Locked Doors and Broken Glass Shatter The Dreams of Many

I love my girlfriend. She's nice.

mood: surprised

i miss my girlfriend. she's at a leadership camp till friday with her school. what am i to do til then? i hope she comes back full of leadership cuz i miss her a lot. i want my baby......

mood: exhausted
music: our house. in the middle of the street. our house.

i love my girlfriend. she's fuckin great. and sexy

my computer sux. other than that. all is good in the hood.

when your hurting i hurt soo much more. or atleast it seems anyway. other than that. All smiles.

Mostly thanx for telling everyone, i found that real good. Worst thing ever. Learning new things every day posted on livejournal. My puter is broke so now im on will's hopefully it'll be fixed soon cuz this sux. At prom me and riss are doin a hot pink and black theme, im gonna get the pink and black checkerboard vans slip ons, the checkerboard tie and belt, black tux wit tails, and so on. and riss is gettin a pink and black dress. It shall be fun. We went up to alex's cottage today and i found myself wondering Why I'm so pathetic sometimes. To actually let my life become sercumvented around certain things seems so petty. Like Tom Petty. I want to go to a good show. like mustard plug and the slackers. I want to play guitar with my un-broken amp again. I want our cd's back and start selling them. I want love, TO BE MY EMO Self or so im told. Is it so wrong to want to feal normal? But what the fuck is normal anyway. Im okay. dont worry i wont cut my wrists. Cuz im So EMO. im so EMO IT ASTOUNDS ME. ya. Ok. xBrXanx hahahahahaha ..... ya right. Fuck You Guys.

mood: horny
music: Will's Fat T.V

My teeth or lack of are pretty much all better. still hurts but o well. Going back to school 2marro is goin to suck massive amounts of balls. Im talking like if you were to take All the balls in the world it would almost amount to the ball suckage. The show in Erie got cancelled but we got a bunch more booked now. as soon as the cd shit is all out of the way were gonna get a van. so im goin to start booking shows out of town a lot more. Now that we have a cd to sell pple might remember us if they like us that is. We need so much money in a short amount of time. Why does everything revolve around MONEY?
So vacation was ok. i got my teeth out so that blew, we couldn't practice cuz luke was in michigan, i almost died in the company of rissa on mckinley (or so alex tells me) but other than that. it was ok minus the lack of actual things to do. I can't wait till the show on the 9th. we haven't played in almost a month so it'll be pretty fun. Although its looking like our cd won't be back from teh pressing place until after the 9th so we prolly wont have the cd on our own cd release, o well.
Rissa is goin wit me to prom. umm i dno wut else to say, im bored, i got to do like 7 papers for mr. hymes this week. so this week will suck. Goodbye.

mood: jubilant
music: woite4hklgtsf

so umm... This morning at 8 am i lost part of myself. in fact 4 parts. It sux because i didn't even get to know them that well. I barely saw them, felt them, or tasted them. But i always knew they wer there. And now....Sum bitch ass hoe has them. Fuckin sux and now im hurtin. I feal less wise becuz i dont have my wisdom teeth anymore. Now i just have holes. 4 Gaping like a slut holes! My mom has a strong ass nose also, she walked in my room and said she could smell the anesthetic?? comin out my pores.....wow dego and a half. So rissa came over this mornin and we talked and laid around and my bed and she's fuckin great. Def. my favorite puerto rican. it's her brother's birthday so she had to go, but she's supposta come over later and chill for a while. My mouth hurts and my heart hurts becuz 1. riss ain't here and she is a very conforting person and 2. I lost my wisdom teeth so now i feel dummer than will unger.....The Gospel According To Will:

Willem00sailboat: Bry said ur sick pussy bitch
Willem00sailboat: with what
FuggPuggly5: dont know... just dont feel good
Willem00sailboat: i guess ur just too much of a big bad ass trucker
God i love that kid. Even if he has permanently staind yellow armpits.
Adios, and vakadin is not all its cracked up to be, i took 3 and im still feelin the pain of my 4 lil guys.

mood: but not 4 days of not showerin
music: My head and heart are pounding

So my 18th birthday was on thursday. St. Patricks day. bein 18 is pretty sweet. better than being 17 but not as good as being 10. Last night we had the bryan elliott/jamie burney birthday fiesta at theo's. It was fun as hell. except for me spending time in the bathroom feeling nothing and such. But all in all a great time. Rissa told me that the windows in theo's house looked like eyes. Wow. and lisa,keith,alex,and riss bought me a basket filled wit interesting things such as Douche, Women's perfume, stick on earings, forks and spoons. and barbie and other fascinating things. Thanx guys. ....... hahaha we got our mastered cd back and it sounds stupendous. wow ther wer a lot of people ther last night and i did sum weird things that can only be discribed as drunk. I love my friends. Rissa,theo,lj,clark,mike,caitlin,bran,nick,joelle,john,chris,ben,jamie,bill,ando,miked,lisa,alex,keith,luke,phil,jeff,katie,emily,brendon,and stewert wer all ther. it was fun as hell.
I want to go back to NYC.

mood: good
music: Nofx~Franco Un-american

So I went to new york last weekend, that was fuckin sweet. one of the best times of my life. Now... im back in buffalo and i hate it. Nothing is here. it blows. Im back to feeling like nothing is worth anything and for the weekend that was gone. Nyc is the best place i've ever been to. .
...It makes no difference, its all the same in the end, my views are irrelevant and unnoticed. Im done feelin bad about things. especially those i can't control. Like supposed friends, unreturned emotion, and all the other bullshit. For once i want to just not give a fuck about anything. Do whatever comes upon the moment. have no commitment to anything, well except my band. and just have no care in the world. Fuck caring about people and things that give nothing in return. So from now on, my goal is to be the person who doesnt give a fuck. Fuck Fuckin Fuck. How releaving. Sublime rox my sox, i wish they wer still around. Fuck people who die. dieing sux.

mood: content
music: Sublime~seed

Lately it seems like im stuck at a red light and i've been waiting for it to turn green. Its fuckin annoying. The show last night was ok, the crowd fuckin blew. I've been so tired. Tired of everything probably but i cant sleep. I dont think im doing anything today. I can't go to the show wit riss cuz i got fuckin hockey practice, i gotta go to. We're goin to NYC next thurs. for states. I. Cannot. Wait. It will probably be the best time of my life. i have always wanted to go there. I think im gonna call up alex and luke and some other people to go do something. cuz im real bored and i want to get my mind off of things. I feel like im bringing certain pple down sometimes. I dont mean to. I'll try to stop. Im just having a bad time i guess. Do you remember when times were so easy? No school worries, money, love, friends, hope, shame, keeping good things, cuz i can't remember the last time everything was perfect. Perfection is so hard to come by. i will NEver be perfect and i dont crave to be. i just want to be happy with how i am, and right now, im not. My band doesnt even seem to be doin that well, we don't practice as much, nick barely talks to me, for reasons unknown to me. We are doing fine, but were not progressing it seems. Maybe im just overanalyzing but thats how it seems. well im goin somewhere. but the sad thing is that i will be back before i know it.

mood: okay
music: Catch 22

And when I rise in the grey shadows of dawn, Step By Step I create the person I must be. My mind darkening back to a time when I knew them still, my intellectual Insight is nothing more than a lost cause. I could never expose the truth of my life. Assumptions lend me a freedom I could never credit to any one person. I will never Contemplate my true self. I will never find Who I am. So Now.. Im falling into place. This My last day. I must conform. My life depends upon. The Choice. The one I must make. The one to make something out of Nothing. My shadows are darkening. to a point. A point where i cannot follow. and I know. I must stand up. Take My Place. In Life.
Im still chasing a dream. But I'll just have a back-up plan. In Case. I Crash and Burn. I'll never lose my pride. I'll be me. I'll make someone out of noone. I'll be the truth of all my false.
RESTRICTIONS DESERVE GOLDEN APPLAUSE

mood: numb
music: NoFx~ Dinosaurs Will Die

i dont feal very inspired right now. i feal...drunk... maybe it is cuz i am. well... i wish the scarf would incorporate me but it seems that it never will so i just need to realize that its just how it is. it happens and there's nothing you can do about it. I SUCK. at life and i suck at everything it takes alcohol to make me realize this... rissa is standing over my shoulder right now. and i miss her, i know she's here, but in my eyes she is not, cuz it just doesnt feal like she's totally with it. hmmm.... 40oz of amazement. left up to the imagination oooo how i love it. FUck this, im soo sick of it all. fuck it all. and i dont care. wutever. i think my knuckle is broke, o well. it dont matter. cuz nothing ever does. o well. the story of my life. o well.

music: nothing at all

Red light blinking. nowhere to go. I feal myself drifting farther and farther away. beyond the point of resessitation. Im blowing .08 and still bringing up the rear. fealing redemption is way past due, I wanna puke at the thought of feeling alone. I've felt this before, felt bitter and sweet, felt pain and remorse. I didnt like it at all. i wont like it at all again. But, here it comes, spreading through me like disease. Setting my heart Ablaze.
Amazement is far from near. It all seems so unclear. and yet. I'm like that chair that is there for decoration. dont go near it, its all for show. And i dont even put myself in this position! it seems like other people do it for me. A voice, without a face, well not a face worth anything.
Either way, its a hopeless case, thinking, contemplating, dreaming...of the same god damn things. Its hopeless, im still TORN. Insanity is not an option, its a way of life, and my path.. well thats undecided, but it looks like i'll be living in a deep dark. hole. a endless tunnel of. fate and it implodes my sense of self.
Cell phone is ringing, answer. Green light to go. Stepping forth in an endevour i dare not claim as my own. We all make choices that correct or infect previous choices of regret.

Yesterday we won the championship for hockey, now next week we play in sectionals then, if we win that we play in long island for states.. thats pretty fuckin RAAWWWWWW.. I've never been to new york so thats all i want out of it. We won yesterday 8-0.
today i might go take pics for the full proof cd. and chill wit rissa. she called me this mornin and she goes bryan i love you... then says ok im goin back to sleep. But. I couldnt. o well.
Operation Cut Throat broke up i guess. That sux. i really liked the music they made. the instruments were really really sweet. im sure bill and cj will start somthing else tho. i hate when bands break up. i hope full proof dont break up anytime soon, but it will probably eventually happen since thats wut every other band does nowadays.
This entry isnt that indepth but im just not in the mood to being complaing. i just feal like everything is just passing by. and i dont really care about anything right now. Which is good... im goin to go eat sum pancakes right now cuz thats wut my mom wants me to do. and my momma is cool sometimes so FUck OFf.

mood: blank
music: The sounds of my dad watching CNN....O JoY

My revelation is on the rise. I feal brand new. I should have never bothered at all... Im suffering through it but I hear it's Good to stick to what you know. I stick to what I know, but all I know is that my life isn't complete. Its a Revolving Door. Its a Reflectionless Mirror.
__Yesterday I kind of realized that I have a passion for wrong ideals, i have built my life upon false promises and i've been so naive. Naive. Im growing tired as the days pass. Im losing even my respect for those who pretend to care. How can you care so much and act like you dont care at all?
__I am also growing to despise drunken people. The way they act and how they create a whole new iota for themselves in their drunken state of regression. Leaving your true self on the line just doesn't seem like a great idea to me. I dont think i act like this at all. But maybe every1 does.
__Lately i've been so held back. I cant say what i want to say, i feal soo restricted and soo lifeless. My walls are caving and my doors are being barred against my greatest attempts to open up. I've tried to open up to people, people i trust but I still have been let down to much and even the people i trust have let me down, even those i've known for a matter of years. I've grown to trustworthy of some1 i've only known for 2 months. and i've even been let down with this. to the point of frustration beyond my years. But all i can do is keep going. thats all any1 can ever do.
__I can never say what i really want to say. Some1 I havent really talked to in a while was at theo's last night and said she missed me, that was cool, and maybe we'll start talkin again... but prolly not cuz thats just how things work with me. I've never kept anything true and never been able to express my views in any creative or rational way. I'm still just...Torn. My favorite word for my thoughts lately. ToRn.

mood: weird
music: Taking Back Sunday~I Am Fred Astaire

Let Go.
Of the grip. The unrelenting grip.
The grip held steadfast
by a Loss of Words and
The Flow Of Tears.

Let Go.
Of the path. The enclosing path.
The path I chose
to let myself become TORN.
And My Insides Exposed.

Dont!
Dont Let Go of the chance.
The alliance of hands and
the memory I possess.
I Have To.
I Have To Let Go.
I Have No Choice

But Then Again....
When Have I Ever?

So yesterday was a real bad day. I couldnt breath for a while and Im still having trouble. But. Im not sick at all. Its all in my head and I dont know how to fix it, well I think I know what the problem is, but I can't fix it alone. I need help. and i cant get it. The only good thing that happenend yesterday was that for once in a very long long time. I enjoyed playing hockey. I had soo much fun last practice. We had a coach's skate where we just divide up and scrimage. I had a lot of fun and i really dont know why. Theo was getting so pissed at me cuz he couldn't score. But he deserves it cuz he scores on me too much. O well. Today's another day. I wrote that thing up there today. I find myself writing a lot in school cuz i dont do much else. I've been doin more work in school but i still need to pick it up, so i graduate.

Full Proof is probably goin to Erie, PA and Somewhere in Ohio, I think Cicinatti april 8 and 9 with this other band The Decline. I really hope we go , it will be soo much fun. i dont think my car will make it so i think i might try to rent a car. or have my parents rent it, we'll see how things play out. We got practice today so thats cool, and i cant wait for the shows comin up. I need to play a show, im feeeeeeenin. but i dont know how to spell that word. WELL this entry is long and boring soooo im done. Only Real Men Cry.....HAHAHA no thats soo not true.

mood: rejected
music: Rancid~Ruby SoHo

Tangible Moments<>Fickle Minds<>Flagrant Thoughts
~The words Reimpose all Injustice~
...And With This...
We all find a BREAKING STRENGTH
A Strength of Heart. Of Mind. And Of Beauty Itself.
and when YOU find this. Just let me know
Because I'll be all the more Deprived
I'll be Lost and Completely Satisfied.
But Most Of All.
I'll be
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
From A Point Of
NO RETURN

/So today in math I started writing and this just summed up how I was feeling.../
I figured i'd start one of these things because so much shit has been happenin and I wanted to be like every1 else and have a good ol' livejournal.
I should have started it like last week. with all the shit...like nick goin nuts on me, my mom flippin shit on me cuz im failin chem., me doin sumthin i havent done since summer and wit riss and alex and in great multitude. but i dont think im gonna do it that much anymore., and all sorts of fun stuff like that. But o wel that shits over.

So the show on saturday was pretty lame but it was a show. I had sum fun. but we only got paid like $25 so that was real shitty. yesterday almost every person i knew was watchin the football game so nothin much happnened at all. I NEED A NEW GUITAR. mine blows and it broke at the show. i had to use some other dudes, but my ma says i can get one for my birthday in a month. Today i had school. nothing much happenend. it just blew like always. In the words of sum1 much wiser that me. School. MURDERS MY SPIRIT. tonight i got a hockey game. i dont like hockey much anymore. but its almost over, last play-off game tonight. Then championship, sectionals, and states in long island then im finally done wit it. Hopefully we get the cd done soon. i need money. and im done rambling. Im annoying even myself.

mood: restless
music: Bouncing Souls~True Believers